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66 | GRAVITAS MAGAZINE GravitasMag.com THE LAST LAUGH Subscribe to GRAVITAS and visit us online at GravitasMag.com Jules Lewis Gibson, Founder & President GR AVITAS Magazine Follow Jules @SeasideJules or anyone who hasn't dated in a decade or so, consider yourself lucky. It's a whole new world out there, and it's not so pre y. For younger women who don't k now any different, consider yourselves lucky, too. At least you don't realize how bad it really is. But for those of us ladies thrust back out there in midlife, we're the ones with real challenges. We remember what it was like before technol- og y turned dating into a numbers game, back in the old days, when men called you on the phone to chat and asked you on an actual dinner date at a restaurant with reser vations. First dates today are more like drive-bys, a meet- and-great while you pick up a lae grande or for the more adventurous singles, a few cocktails and hook-up. e good news about digital dating is that you can meet a lot of new people; unfortunately few are worth the 45-minute inter view. On a positive note, the more colorf ul suspects on your dating card will offer reams of material for entertaining friends. Nothing like a bad date stor y to liven up a room. For instance, on a re- cent date, my gentleman friend (I use the terms "date" and "gentleman" loosely) commented that he felt sorr y for our waiter. "He tried so hard to up-sell me on the nachos w ith cheese and all that stuff. Poor guy, I just wanted the cheapest thing on the menu." Unprepared for his blatant chintziness, I sprayed my wine across the table. "Did you actually just say that out loud," was my response, as I struggled to compose myself. "Oh, look at the time." ere is no hope for a cheap man in my book . If cheese on nachos is considered a lu xur y, best to cut my losses and run. We obviously live in dif- ferent worlds: mine is the one where homes don't have wheels and the appetizers are loaded. Of course, I live in Sarasota so I suppose I should be gratef ul that I even have dates, pick ings are especially slim in these parts. Worst of all, I'm in my mid-40s, the ghost town of singleness in retirement Disneyland. It's k ind of like the K ingdom without magic. Instead of "It's a Small World," where children sing and giggle all day, we have "It's My World " where old people com- plain about singing and laughing aer 9pm. Remember that statistic about it being more likely that you would get hit by a bus than get married aer 40? Well, in this town the statisti- cal likelihood of finding love with a man over 35 and under 60 is about the same as being hit by a bus driven by aliens. at's what we're work ing w ith down here. As if the numbers alone weren't discouraging enough, online dating has spoiled most of the men remaining on the field. Dating sites are like 24-hour candy stores, revolving doors of tasty lile treats to satisf y the male sugar addiction. To make maers even worse, men appear to be suffering a diabetic reaction to the multitudes of women at their fingertips, a malady which is painf ully affecting their eyesight and personal assessment. ere is far too much unfortunate selfie evidence to ignore. Apparently, they see shirtless, buff George Clooney nonchalantly giving a flirtatious wink and k iss; we see a con- stipated Elmer Fudd, recently paroled, giving us duck face from his dirty lile bathroom. e final nail in the love coffin is the fact that grown men actually think women want a party pic of their penis. Note to all men: Women only use these Polaroid moments for laughs. at's right, we are not hot and bothered— well, may- be we are bothered, but not in a good way— are, however, laughing at your lile wonder. Some women even show it around to their girlfriends for comic relief. So the next time a random lady laughs in your direction, you might think twice about the source of her giggle and pull up your pants. A nd don't even get me started on their assess- ment of us. Good luck if you are not "athletic" or "slim" those are the minimum prerequisites for dating , right above breathing. A ny thing even close to an average body ty pe will get you Friday night with Haagen-Daz and Netfli x . A ll jokes aside, there is hope ladies. I have a date tonight with a nice sailor from Boston. at's the good thing about this lile pocket of paradise— new suspects arrive ever y season. Happy Trails, Digital Dating Written by Jules Lewis Gibson Illustration by Arani Chatterjee F

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