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40 | GRAVITAS MAGAZINE GravitasMag.com People often spend decades in marriages and careers that do not make them happy. ey justify their misery with the idea that someday down the road when the chil- dren leave home they will make a change. Children typically grow up to emulate the patterns they see in their home. Parents who are at odds or barely speak are not setting a healthy example for their children to follow. Family therapist, Roxanne Permesly says, "Our children absorb our sense of well- being. ey react, respond, and replay it over and over, day after day." Whether your path is tumultuous or calm, your children are likely to follow in your footsteps. Build Moral Muscles According to studies, compassion rather than self-interest is a more direct path to joy. Scientific studies have shown that the brain's pleasure centers are activated when we are kind to others, much more than when we focus on personal goals. Our prewired desire to be compassionate and care for others leads to meaning, argues psychologist Dacher Keltner in Born to Be Good. Copious research supports the role of moral behavior in generating happiness and meaning. ere is, however, virtually no evidence that mate- rial gains or improved efficiency or produc- tivity have the same benefit. Any number of small gestures can add joy to each day, such as dropping change in the jar for the cashier, taking dinner to a sick friend, or letting someone pass in front of you in traffic. It doesn't take monumental acts to be kind, but the rewards can be substantial. Avoid "What If" Focusing on the positive side of life rather than the negative can greatly affect the quality of your days. Many people spend far too much mental energy on the possible negative outcomes of situations. What if I lose my job? What if I don't find the man of my dreams? What if I do find the man of my dreams but he doesn't love me? What if we all just take a break from the "what if " syndrome? I have watched someone close to me spend countless hours worrying about the worst-case scenario of almost everything. He wastes enormous amounts of energy on these protracted stories he tells himself about the bad outcome that could possibly someday happen. Of course rarely do any of these worst-case situations ever happen, but he has ruined so many perfectly good days stressing over these imaginary tales. Bad times will certainly come to all of us. When less than desirable situations arise, don't procrastinate; deal with it, then move on. But until the bad thing absolutely hap- pens, don't waste good energy chasing it. Choose Progress Over Perfection Perfection doesn't exist in the human expe- rience. Improvement is a better goal than perfection. Setting a high bar is commend- able, but don't disparage yourself if you fail to meet all of your benchmarks imme- diately. Sometimes people set lofty goals, such as running a marathon to get in shape. en when they fail to reach their goal, they become discouraged and quit. Slow, steady progress is the best way to reach any goal. If you have a minor or even major setback, remain patient and keep moving forward. Expect to Get What You Expect It's an uncanny truth that people who totally believe they are going to succeed, usually do. ose who believe life is unfair, repeatedly find themselves in unfortunate situations. Visualizing your way to happi- ness is not a new concept. Norman Vincent Peale, a minister and the author of the fa- mous book, e Power of Positive inking, sold tens of millions of books on the subject back in 1952. He preached that people inevitably get what they focus on. Peale advised, "Formulate and stamp indelibly in your mind a mental picture of yourself as succeeding. Hold the picture tenaciously. Never permit it to fade. Your mind will seek to develop the picture." e mind is the most powerful tool in our arsenal for achieving the life we want. Pic- ture a life that makes you happy. Illustrate it in your mind; color in the details. Now write down every element of the life you desire, from your work to your family and friends, the house you live in, your hobbies and interests. Imagine what it feels like to live this life. Now, accept that you deserve it. It's harder than it sounds to hold this happy picture without allowing doubt to invade. Women are always our own worst critics. We doubt our abilities, put ourselves down, and constantly remind ourselves of our shortcomings. We would never treat a friend the way we do ourselves. Stop the endless self-deprecation! When your inner critic gets going, change the subject. Focus on the happy picture and where you are going; don't allow self-doubt to pull you down— onward and upward! Enrich Your Relationships Close ties to friends and family are the cornerstones of true happiness. Enrich the relationships in your life by giving those The mind is the most powerful tool in our arsenal for achieving the life we want.

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